Heather Bellamy spoke with Carrie Lloyd

In the book I talk about a phase of porn addiction I went into when I was actually trying to be abstinent, but I was always sexually wired. We've all got these sexual wirings to have sexual encounters with people, or a person and have intimacy with one person. I just didn't know how to even manifest that in real life. I had this need to get met, but I wasn't getting it met in the ways that I thought I needed to get it met and I just used porn. So I talk about addiction to porn for a bit and how that wasn't helpful. So the book talks about the tricky areas and how we come out of it, including co-dependency and why we date people that aren't actually right for us and why do we settle for that? Why are we settling for mediocre? Are we being too picky? All of those questions that I apply to stories in my own life.

Heather: Something I'd like to look at a bit more with you, you mentioned your Dad and when he died there wasn't your Dad putting value into you. Obviously some people never even have a Dad to put value into them in the beginning, so how does our relationship with our Dad, whoever he is, whatever type of Dad, absent or there, how much does that affect us in our search for Mr. Right and our ability to have healthy relationships?

Carrie: Well it's a great question. A lot of the counselling I deal with, whether it was when I was doing pregnancy crisis counselling, or pastoring with them, a lot of the times when I'm seeing a lack of self-value, of insecurity, even all of these walls up, having to protect ourselves, having to fight for ourselves, most of that comes from a lack of identity, protection and value being poured in by our fathers.

Our mothers are the ones who teach us and educate us where our fathers are the ones who bring us identity, security and protection. When we don't have that and I'm not suggesting that even if fathers are at home they're doing it; sometimes they're emotionally absent. When we don't have that, we're trying to grasp it in other areas and we're trying to find and to rewrite the ending, or the current situation with our fathers, or with men in general.

So what can happen is that we come into a place of searching all the time for our needs to be met and to be valued through men and through relationships. That's why I see a lot of girls, especially in pregnancy crisis counselling, they're the ones that are desperately wanting to be known and loved through men and they'll give up everything in the hope that the man will just stay with them. Then they end up being pregnant with no plans to have done that, but again they've just sacrificed themselves for the sake of being loved by a guy. Boundaries and the idea of saying no is just an alien thought for them, because all they've been wanting to do is work out who they were as a woman right from the get go.

Heather: You say in your book that friends were divorcing by the time they reached the age of 30 just as others were marrying for the first time, some for the wrong reasons. You're talking about wrong reasons there in crisis pregnancy too, so what's the right reason for getting into a relationship and for marrying?

Carrie: We're all designed for intimacy and relationship. Most of the world revolves, whether we like it or not, on relationship. If we're looking on a Christian Kingdom perspective, the Kingdom is just nothing but relationship. So my heart is that we are looking to always find someone to find intimacy with and to do connection with. Most of us are wanting to have that person. Y'know the creation of man was all about, 'It's not good for Adam to be alone'. So we know that there's definitely a desire in our hearts to be intimate and to be in relationship with someone, but the problem is when we're bringing co-dependence and when we're looking at them to fulfil desires that we actually need to take ownership and responsibility for.

A lot of those friends that were divorcing round about their thirties were actually marrying for the wrong reasons. They were marrying because they thought it was a successful thing to do. They were marrying because society thought that they should. They were marrying because they thought that this marriage thing was the goal. As women, we can have what I call the 'curse of Eve' where we think we're not completely fulfilled until we've found Adam. We don't think we're completely fulfilled until we've become the helper to someone.

We can manifest that in different ways, we don't just do it within marriage. I've seen so many people come into marriage - it's one of the main reasons I wrote the book - definitely wanting to see women marry for the right reasons; the reasons of actually loving that person, wanting to do team work with that person, to bring something to the table with that guy and that that guy can bring something to the table as well. I think sometimes we're so looking for our own needs to be met that we're not looking to serve the needs of other people. I think that's one of the main areas, even today, I mean Christian relationships, some of them are as terrible as the ones in the secular world cause I think we too can probably have a co-dependent relationship with the Lord if we're not careful and don't take ownership of our choices and our decisions that we make with him.

Heather: So is it possible to be happy and single?

Carrie: Oh yes I think so. There's plenty of people in marriages and relationships that are pretty lonely if they were to admit that themselves, but I have a great contentment in being single because I'm in a healthy relationship with myself. I've got great family and friends around me that fulfil that need for connection and being known and being understood and doing teamwork with different people. There's always a desire in my heart to marry, but I never wanna marry the wrong person. I also wanna make sure that it's coming from the right place and that there's gonna be enough fruit borne from that relationship. So I think it's very possible to be single and happy and I wish everyone could get to that place before they get married.

Heather: So what has the response to your book been?

Carrie: It's been great actually. I've had some lovely, amazing messages from girls saying, "This has really changed my view of how I look at myself". "This has changed how I'm gonna date people". "I've just realised I don't actually have to stay with this guy anymore". "I've been in a really unhappy relationship for a long time and because we've had words like - 'oh the Lord told us that we're gonna be together' - then I've stayed obedient to it realising that it's actually not at all what was right for me". People realising there's a niggle in the relationship, but couldn't quite work out what it was and so I think the book has helped some women to come out and be really honest about their view of relationships. Some have been more impacted by the identity section, which is all about re-finding ourselves before we even meet the right people.

Heather: And in terms of people coming out of relationships, are you talking about dating relationships there rather than marriage?

Carrie: Yes, I think so - dating into marriage if that makes sense? The interesting thing for me is the girls that have been in touch that have said that they've actually stopped dating, which is very interesting. I wasn't even trying to encourage that, but some of them, amazingly, have decided to stop dating because they realised that they weren't even dating for the right reasons. So they've just gone off on this lovely adventure to work out, what was that about? How do I stop re-writing my past and reacting to my past with men and start looking towards the future, which has a much more self-valued, self-loving me involved in it?

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